I’ve been trying to keep this blog light and fluffy. None of that soul baring nonsense that you normally find on the blogosphere. But then I thought what the hell, maybe I should jump on the bandwagon too and start doing that whole self centred emo-charged dialogue act too.

I am writing this on a plane at around 30 thousand feet above sea level on my way to a conference in the Netherlands for work. I’ve just had an extremely surreal experience about an hour ago. By sheer chance I ran into my first ex-girlfriend at the airport.

Some history may be required to explain the context of why this was so important ( to me at least).

About eight years ago, when I was a little younger and a lot stupider, not only did I break this girl’s heart but also I chose the worst possible time to do so. Her parents were in the midst of a divorce or something of that sort.

For reasons that I can’t fully understand myself, I had begun to feel somewhat trapped in the relationship and suspected that I did not really like her after all. She was the very quiet type. I felt I was not making much headway in terms of getting her to open up emotionally.

I panicked and pushed the eject button so to speak before I had to get too involved in her emotional/personal problems and pretend/carry out the great charade of being the good boyfriend.

Yes, yes, I was a selfish idiot, roll your eyes if you want.

After my rejection, she cut me off completely and honestly I can’t blame her. When I came to my senses shortly after and realised how callous I’d been and how tactlessly I handled the entire situation, I made up my mind to make it up to her. I even thought that if I couldn’t work things out, we could at least maintain a healthy long lasting friendship but she effectively ex-communicated me. I became a non-person to her, to be avoided at all costs which was awkward as we still had to sit in the same classes for a few more months until our pre-university course concluded.

My reconciliatory phone calls to her went unanswered. Letters were not responded too and basically after we went our separate ways for university, it became next to impossible to get in touch.

Since then I have a lot of time to reflect on my actions. For a period of time, I was carrying around a lot of penitent guilt of having done a bad thing and not being able to “fix” it later. I think it is fair to say that this event had a great effect on shaping my entire approach to relationships.

The influence of this event extends to today where I suspect that my stubborn ( and probably bordering on emotionally sadomasochistic need ) to keep in touch and be friends with my ex-s even if they are the ones who want to break-up with me is driven by this past experience.

I’ve had plenty of opportunity to imagine what it would be like to run into her again and I’ve played out the scenario a few times in my head.

When I finally did get the chance a little while ago, it was unsurprisingly very cathartic for me to a certain degree.

Frustratingly enough, my first ex has not lost that characteristic emotional detachment therefore it was, in fact, extremely difficult to determine how this impacted her, if at all. She seemed to be partly amused and partly uncomfortable by the whole thing.

We exchanged pleasantries, did the five minute where have you been all these years soliloquy and I am afraid that I may have weirded her out with my “prepared” apology speech which I’ve been drafting for a number of years.

She said that it was a long time ago and there was no need to bring it up again. So much for that. Anyway, she looks fantastic and seems to be doing quite well for herself. Apparently she works in the UK somewhere as a doctor in training.

I left her my business card and e-mail but it was quite obvious that she will probably not write back. She did not offer me with a way to contact her but then again, somehow, it felt right that way.

So I suppose (or rather I hope) with the new job, my recent break-up with my current ex (sorry, I know it sounds like an oxymoron) and this totally unexpected opportunity for emotional closure, things will begin to look up for me in the coming year